Category Archives: Depression

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Music Mondays: Break Away by Hunt Ft. Jae Michelle

Click here to see the powerful video for Break Away by Hunt Ft. Jae Michelle.

Abuse, bullying, drugs, alcohol, peer pressure, self esteem…

The list goes on and on and on…

Many try to ignore their reality.

Others try to be something or someone they aren’t.

So many of us who suffer from depression have also experienced one or more of these things during our childhood and youth. I love this song because it highlights some very real issues that young people face today. I also applaud artists whose music inspires… Hunt is one such hip hop artist who has continued to write powerful lyrics that capture the nature of human suffering. Check him out at http://iamhunt09.wix.com/iamhunt.

This song inspires me to continue to fight and face my demons. Maybe it will do the same for you.

Love,

Me

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Giving Thanks for the Angels Among Us

October 1, 2012 would have been my grandmother’s 82 birthday. She died 14 days later last year on October 15, 2011. It’s crazy the difference a year can make. This time last year I was literally incapacitated with grief. My separation, grandma’s death, issues at work and my dad’s diagnosis took the life right out of me. My depression had taken over. I couldn’t get out of bed. I felt so lost and incapable of getting myself together. I lost 3 months of my life. I literally can’t remember some days. But I remember the people and how they cared for me and loved me back to life. For that and for each of you, I am eternally grateful.

Each of you has played a special part in my life and I am convinced that your presence is divinely inspired. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a friend. Thank you for walking alongside me. Thank you for not holding my inability to always do the same against me. My prayer is that I can be the same friend to you and I thank God daily for each of you.

Whenever I hear “Never Would Have Made It” by Marvin Sapp tears come to my eyes. You embody that song for me. I know what it means to experience the real and loving presence of God in the valley of the shadow of death. Thank you for walking with me. You are my angels…

Love,

Me

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Music Mondays: Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp

I am unapologetically Christian. Even as I type this truth, I cringe because I know the perceived implications that may be assigned to this statement. I should follow up and say, that I’m not your average Christian. (To get a sampling of my particular bent of Christianity, visit my congregation’s website – House of the Rock). I practice this religion because of one simple thing – the notion of God becoming human and walking among us literally overwhelms me. And I mean this in a good way. Everything else that is associated with modern day Christianity, I could take or leave. I’ll write more about that in another post…

What I love most about this song is that it speaks about relationality and being present, which for me, is a central tenet of Christianity. I read that the artist Marvin Sapp wrote this song as a tribute after the death of his father. The song is very repetitive but I think that it’s divinely inspired. Hearing the words over and over again reminds me of the importance of those who have supported, loved, nurtured and challenged me throughout my experience with depression. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would not be here today without my community of friends and family.

My favorite part of the song is when he sings,

Never could have made it without you
I would have lost my mind a long time ago, if it had not been for you.
I am stronger
I am wiser
Now I am better
So much better
I made it thru my storm and my test because you were there to carry me thru my mess

I could say more about the theological implications of this song but I’m going to leave my comments at this – I never would have made it to where I am today without someone helping me.

I pray that you have someone or many ones who do this for you. Give them a chance. They may surprise you and literally save your life…

Love,

Me

Click here to see the video for Never Would Have Made It.

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Fear of Silence

I drove home the other night in complete silence. I worked a 16 hour shift and left my job at midnight. It had been a difficult week but before I knew it, it was time to leave. Walking to my car I noticed how cold and dark it was outside. We were told to anticipate freezing temperatures and I planned accordingly, wearing my winter coat and gloves. The sky was clear and I couldn’t see the moon. It was very quiet.

I never drive in silence. I’m normally listening to NPR, my favorite Pandora station or the top 25 tunes on my iPod. On this night, however, something within me needed silence.

I don’t like to sit with myself – with my thoughts and my feelings. The silence scares me but on this night I took a chance.

I know my medication is working when I can be aware of my thoughts but not be overrun by my thoughts. I can reflect on my day. I can feel the sadness and loneliness. I can grieve for the people I’ve lost. I can FEEL without spiraling into the depths of despair. My time in silence tonight reminded me that I have nothing to fear.

I think I need these moments of silence more often, not only to be in tune with myself but to listen for the still, small voice within that reminds me not to be afraid. Maybe one day you’ll be able to take some time to just listen.

Love,
Me

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Music Mondays: Alright by STARBOARDERS

Today’s song holds special meaning for me for a variety of reasons.

The first reason is that the title, “Alright”, is a reminder to me in that I am not alone and that one day, everything will be alright.

The second reason is that it is written and performed by some of my best friends. Starboarders is comprised of Matt Simpkins, Bill Porter and Greg LaRose, three men that I was introduced to almost three years ago. These guys have not only become like family, they are instrumental in providing support and encouragement in my darkest moments.

The third reason that I love this song and this band is that they have managed to do something that very few people ever achieve – embrace their gifts and make a difference in people’s lives. This band writes excellent music that is not only meaningful but purposeful. The band decided that all proceeds from their first album Chroma would go to purchase LifeStraws, water filtration devices that can be used in places where people suffer from a lack of access to clean water.

This band is focused on something other than themselves, and I am learning that when we do this, our own healing takes place. So the lesson I’ve learned not only from this song, but from these guys is that we are called to care for and love one another. This brings about abundant life for everyone and helps make everything alright… Thanks guys.

Love,

Me

STARBOARDERS Links

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Letting Go

Letting Go

People keep telling me that the best way to find peace is to let go. I’m reminded of the wisdom articulated in the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

I feel like the first line in this prayer is my focal point in life right now – accepting that which I cannot change. I’ve been challenged to reside where I find myself, which is extremely hard for me. I don’t want to sit with my feelings of disappointment. I don’t want to stay in a place of sadness. I don’t want to let the things that have happened sink in because I’m afraid that I won’t come out on the other side. But everyone keeps telling me that I will and that the first step is to let go of all the things I want and the things I try to control. Let it go and just be…

For me that looks like:

Letting go of this overwhelming desire to be in relationship.

Letting go of the demise of my marriage and the death of a dream.

Letting go of my drive towards perfectionism.

Letting go of my need to move from one thing to the next and never fully enjoying the moment.

Letting go of my shame and guilt.

Letting go of the pressure I put on myself to have it all figured out.

Letting go of who I thought I should be.

It’s been pointed out to me that transitions are difficult. A part of me is dying and I am grieving. But with death, I know and believe in the promise of new life. So something is being birthed right now. Even though it’s painful, even though it’s out of my control, I know that God is doing a new thing. Today I pray for the patience to accept the things I cannot change and the ability to just BE.

Love,

Me

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Music Mondays: Skyscraper by Demi Lovato

Yes, I am admitting that I am a Demi Lovato fan. Deal with it…

There have been times when I feel like my depression has taken everything from me and broken my spirit in ways that are inexplicable. I’ve felt tattered and torn; I’ve felt like I was in a fight for my life and was losing. Looking back, I believe that it was God in the presence of my family and friends that enabled me to rise.This song embodies my struggle with depression. I love the chorus…

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

My favorite part the song is the second verse, which describes where I am now…

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows, still are broken, but I’m standing on my feet

The smoke is clearing. I’m untangling myself from the darkness. And I’ve realized that I am still standing…
Love,

Me

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On a Day Like This

One of my favorite camp songs is “On a Day Like This”. I love this song because it has fun motions and removes lines from each verse as the community sings it together. By the end, you only see actions that have replaced the verses but the beginning and ending of the song remain…”On a day like this, I need the Lord to help me.”

This song has been playing on repeat in my mind. Recently I had a very difficult day. A couple of things happened at work that brought many emotions to the surface. I went home and lay on my couch with a glass of wine and caught up on my television shows. I went to bed early thinking that after a good night’s sleep I would be up and ready to roll the following morning. But I wasn’t. I was dragging and could feel the tears just beneath the surface that were threatening to spill over. What is that about?

I am a student of awareness. I believe wholeheartedly that paying particular attention to one’s thoughts, feelings and actions provides invaluable insight. That being said, I spent some time sitting with my thoughts to figure out what’s going on…

Work was stressful, but not in a bad way. I commented to one of my colleagues that I appreciate times of crisis because there’s no time to think. There is only time to do and to be. In times like that, I realize not only how gifted I am but more importantly, that God is ever-present and the Spirit goes before me. There were a few situations that tested these theories and I felt confident that the care I provided was not only appropriate but appreciated.

I know that I haven’t fully been present as I continue to reflect upon a recently ended relationship. I keep playing things over in my mind trying to figure out a couple of things: do I really even want this man? What is the attraction? Am I settling? Should I fight for it? Why do I feel this connection to someone who is so different from me? All of these questions provide some insight into how I’m trying to process how relationships begin and end and the patterns that are present in my own behavior.

I also thought about a conversation I had with my father after he read a couple of my blog posts that were able to communicate things that I have never been able to share with him face-to-face. For some reason, my fear was that he would be upset with me, which he wasn’t. He was very compassionate and expressed feelings of sadness and disappointment as he tried to wrap his mind around new knowledge about my childhood and my personal struggles. There were some things he wanted more information about but I couldn’t go there last night. I am a bit relieved though. I feel like I’ve been hiding things from my father my whole life and I was finally able to share pieces of myself that allow him to have a better understanding of who I am.

I think I am also overwhelmed by things that I have been putting off and by doing so, I continue to procrastinate and feel like I am held hostage by my own inertia. The reality of my changing finances, the daunting task of preparing for future opportunities, the risk associated with starting my own business and the ever present fear of failing and not being enough are rearing their ugly heads. But I am aware of these things and valiantly putting one foot in front of the other.

I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel tired. I feel overwhelmed. I feel nervous. I feel confused.

I don’t feel hopeless though. I know that it’s just for today. And for that, I am grateful.

Love,

Me

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Music Mondays: Music that Heals…

I love music. All types of music. There’s something about how artists (at least the good ones) are able to take emotions, experiences and energy to communicate powerful messages. In my darkest moments I tend to listen to songs that are able to transport me to a different space. Over the next two months, I’ll be sharing some of my favorite songs with you, songs that have spoken to me in my times of need. I love the meaning that can be found in popular music. Many of these songs are not religious but they offer profound messages and let me know that I am not alone. It’s like the music has provided healing…

It may be corny. It may be simplistic. But it’s been helpful for me. Maybe it will be helpful for you.

Love,

Me

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Why am I so SAD?

This time of year is always difficult for me. I don’t think I paid much attention to it before the Great Fall of 2001. I love the holiday season – Thanksgiving and Christmas – because I get to spend time with family and friends. I love the smells. I love the food. I love the meaning of the Christmas season. But I hate the cold. I hate the short days. I hate the dark. I am the person who wishes that we could do Christmas in July every year. So you might say that I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year.

I start noticing my demeanor shifting after Labor Day. When it starts getting cooler, I spend more time deciding what I am going to wear. It takes me longer to get out of bed. I go into work later. I’ve even been known to call in sick just because I can’t stand the thought of leaving my house. I now know that a major part of my depressive reality is Seasonal Affective Disorder.

When I was talking to a friend who is a mental health advocate and all around know-it-all when it comes to these issues, she said that many people use the SAD label who don’t necessarily suffer from the disorder. It has been found that those most prone to SAD are those who already have mental health issues, especially those with depression. I’m realizing that I have to be more vigilant during this time of year. I have to pay attention to the signs and be proactive in caring for myself.

It’s hard though. I feel like sadness lurks just beneath the surface and there really isn’t any rhyme or reason. I want to cry all the time. I am more aware of my emotions and feeling like I’m alone – even though I logically know I have an amazing support network. My tendency is to hibernate and re-emerge when Spring comes. Except, it’s impossible to live one’s life only two seasons of the year and take off the other two. So I am on the journey of figuring out how to live with my reality without feeling ashamed or guilty. My plan for today is to put one foot in front of the other, to focus on the things I have control over and to let go of those things that I cannot control. Just for today…

Love,

Me