One of my favorite camp songs is “On a Day Like This”. I love this song because it has fun motions and removes lines from each verse as the community sings it together. By the end, you only see actions that have replaced the verses but the beginning and ending of the song remain…”On a day like this, I need the Lord to help me.”
This song has been playing on repeat in my mind. Recently I had a very difficult day. A couple of things happened at work that brought many emotions to the surface. I went home and lay on my couch with a glass of wine and caught up on my television shows. I went to bed early thinking that after a good night’s sleep I would be up and ready to roll the following morning. But I wasn’t. I was dragging and could feel the tears just beneath the surface that were threatening to spill over. What is that about?
I am a student of awareness. I believe wholeheartedly that paying particular attention to one’s thoughts, feelings and actions provides invaluable insight. That being said, I spent some time sitting with my thoughts to figure out what’s going on…
Work was stressful, but not in a bad way. I commented to one of my colleagues that I appreciate times of crisis because there’s no time to think. There is only time to do and to be. In times like that, I realize not only how gifted I am but more importantly, that God is ever-present and the Spirit goes before me. There were a few situations that tested these theories and I felt confident that the care I provided was not only appropriate but appreciated.
I know that I haven’t fully been present as I continue to reflect upon a recently ended relationship. I keep playing things over in my mind trying to figure out a couple of things: do I really even want this man? What is the attraction? Am I settling? Should I fight for it? Why do I feel this connection to someone who is so different from me? All of these questions provide some insight into how I’m trying to process how relationships begin and end and the patterns that are present in my own behavior.
I also thought about a conversation I had with my father after he read a couple of my blog posts that were able to communicate things that I have never been able to share with him face-to-face. For some reason, my fear was that he would be upset with me, which he wasn’t. He was very compassionate and expressed feelings of sadness and disappointment as he tried to wrap his mind around new knowledge about my childhood and my personal struggles. There were some things he wanted more information about but I couldn’t go there last night. I am a bit relieved though. I feel like I’ve been hiding things from my father my whole life and I was finally able to share pieces of myself that allow him to have a better understanding of who I am.
I think I am also overwhelmed by things that I have been putting off and by doing so, I continue to procrastinate and feel like I am held hostage by my own inertia. The reality of my changing finances, the daunting task of preparing for future opportunities, the risk associated with starting my own business and the ever present fear of failing and not being enough are rearing their ugly heads. But I am aware of these things and valiantly putting one foot in front of the other.
I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel tired. I feel overwhelmed. I feel nervous. I feel confused.
I don’t feel hopeless though. I know that it’s just for today. And for that, I am grateful.