Category Archives: Love

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Dance Lessons Part 1…

I love to dance. There’s something that happens when I hear music that causes a soul-stirring reaction.

I love movement. I love the expression of emotions through movement. I love how beats and rhythms and lyrics come to life in a physical form that is dance.

I am not a gifted dancer. I define gifts as those things that are like breathing, those things that you don’t even have to think about that just flow from you. Dance was not something that came naturally to me. Anyone who knows me from childhood knows that I wasn’t the most coordinated person. Truth be told, I was quite awkward. I discovered dance through my experience as a cheerleader in middle school and high school. I switched over to just dance when I got to college. Dance saved me from myself. When I was a junior in college and in the midst of my second major depressive episode, dance was the only thing that kept me from killing myself.

I am a passionate dancer. Passions are those things that can be cultivated. I see as many dance companies perform as money and time allow. I secretly want to be a member of a Salsa dance troupe and envision the costumes, music and pure joy that would follow. As I’ve gotten older and my passion for dance has been realized, I seek out classes and troupes and studios that would allow me to hone my skills. I’ve taken ballet, jazz, modern, hip-hop, Latin and pole classes. Yes, pole classes. (For more about my experience with pole dancing, click here. It was seriously the most liberating experience of my life!) I have stretched and strengthened muscles I didn’t know I had. I’ve gone from being a terribly awkward girl who was not comfortable in her own skin to a woman who fully embraces her body and sees it as a gift from God. Dance has connected me to my soul and to the Divine.

Dance continues to be one of the best forms of therapy that I experience. I recently moved and while things have largely gone well, I have had some rough times during this transition. Once I found a therapist, I realized that I needed to find a dance class. I signed up for Salsa lessons and am ecstatic that it works with my schedule.  There is clearly a link between exercise and dealing with depression and every time I attend a dance class I am reminded of it’s importance. However, the what I’m learning goes beyond the physical. I am gaining life lessons from this passion of mine and am so grateful.

What things/hobbies/activities serve as therapy for you and teach you life lessons?

Stay tuned…

Love,

Me

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(Not Quite) Daddy’s Little Girl

Unconditional love. Respect. Affirmation. These are the things that I have always wanted from my birth father. For most of my life, I have hitched my self esteem, my self worth and my self identity to his opinions of me. This has definitely been to my peril. What’s ironic about my desire for these things from my father is that he was not a permanent fixture in my life until I was fourteen years old. He didn’t have a track record of giving these things, but for some reason I constantly fantasized about a utopic relationship between us. Why is it that we seem to want the most from those who are least able to give it?

My father and I have a complicated relationship. I am the youngest of his four children by three different women.  My parents were not married when I was conceived and my mother decided to leave him shortly after my birth. I would see him from time to time but I don’t remember him being a steady presence in my life.  My mother met my step-father when I was three and married him when I was six years old. My younger brother was born and we relocated from New York to Texas. This move ended my visits with my birth father. With the exception of a handful of trips to New York, I don’t remember having a substantial relationship with my father before I was a teenager.

As I reflect on our history, it boggles my mind how much his absence affected me and influenced how I engage men in romantic relationships. One might think that I would not be seeking something that I never received but in my mind, I had created a fantasy about what it would be like if my father and I ever reconnected. This fantasy became a reality when my mother and step-father divorced. This was a traumatic time in my life that was overshadowed by the fact that my birth parents were reuniting and would eventually get married. I found myself in a broken state; one where I struggled with the loss of a relationship with my step-father, who had raised me and, at the same time, trying to be happy about the return of my birth father who I really didn’t know. It was a difficult time for everyone involved. I learned very quickly that the life I had envisioned with my birth father would not become a reality.

I had a revelation yesterday. It was actually quite painful but simultaneously liberating. Nothing I could ever become, say or do would engender the affirming and uplifting response that I so desperately seek from my father. And you know what? That’s my issue, not his. I have to come to terms with the fact that I have been looking for that which is life-giving in the wrong place, from the wrong person. For my sanity’s sake, I have to let go of this overwhelming desire to be “approved” of by my father. I am a thirty one year old woman who is finally letting go of something that has not served me well. I am choosing, on this day, that my self worth and identity will not be based on any external factors, particularly those that perpetuate negative and harmful ways of being.

I have never been the proverbial “Daddy’s little girl”. Nor will I ever be. And it’s not necessary that I am. For the first time in my life, I realize how important it is for me to create a new narrative, one that takes into account who I am and have been created to be, first and foremost by God.

I pray that I am able to remember that God created me and simply said, “It is good.”

I pray that my self worth and self esteem will no longer be based on what others think and that I will embrace that I am enough.

I pray that I am able to be in relationship with my father in a way that honors who we both are and leaves room for who we are not.

Love,

Me

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Rediscovering My Soul Through the Power of the Pole

I have no desire to be a stripper. Many people reading this will recoil when they realize that this is a post about my experience with pole dancing. Yes, I am writing about this and am unashamed. If you are offended, I suggest you stop reading right now.

After my husband and I separated, I felt like shit. Pure and simple. I felt like a failure. I felt like no one could ever love me. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I began to realize that this shame and hatred I carried inside truly affected how I viewed myself. What was more startling was the realization that I don’t know that I loved myself before my marriage. How could I be in the most intimate relationship with someone and not even love who I was?

These reflections actually went a step further. I was disconnected from my body – from my thoughts, my feelings and my flesh. I’ve spoken about my thoughts in another post. Embracing My Shadow deals with my feelings. But today, I want to talk about my disgust of my flesh and how this led to a massive disconnect that not only impacted my marriage, but also my identity. Believe it or not, pole dancing went a long way in helping me love what God created….

I don’t know if it begin with my history of molestation. I don’t know if it began with the teasing for looking different and being different when I was younger. I don’t know if it began with my first sexual encounters and experiences with the opposite sex. I don’t know if it was the messages I got from my father and other sources that said I must be pure, holy, and untouched and knowing that I wasn’t any of these things, at least not in the ways they meant them. I don’t know if it began with my mother’s attitude towards sex and femininity. What I do know is that there were moments when I thought that my body was disgusting. This carried over into adulthood and I’m sure it was a factor in my ongoing depression. Along with other issues, the way I viewed my body and sexuality had a negative effect on my marriage.

I feel like I was always struggling to find out who I was, what I wanted, what I liked and what I should feel. These feelings were complicated by the mixed messages from church and my faith about sex and sexuality. I’ll write more on that later….

So fast forward to six months after I separated from my husband. I was hanging on by a thread and looking for ways to deal with my reality. I was emerging from a depressive episode and was seeking forms of healing and support. I also needed to start exercising. A few friends of mine had talked about pole dancing and I was like, why not? I am not an adventurous person but I felt like it was time to confront some fears, stereotypes and assumptions. So I signed up for Pole Dancing Level 1 with the amazing PoleLaTeaz studio.

My first class I was so nervous. I arrived thirty minutes early and sat in the parking lot wondering what in the hell I was getting myself into. I finally got up the courage to walk into the studio and was immediately surprised by what I found. The atmosphere was lovely, the receptionist was hospitable, there were women who looked like me sitting and waiting for our class to begin. I took a seat and said hello to the woman on my right. I could tell that we were all nervous. The receptionist could tell that this was our first pole dancing experience. I think she could smell our fear.

When the time came, we were led back to Studio A to meet our instructor. The studio was very much like a dance studio except for the fact that there were eight gleaming gold poles that went from floor to ceiling. There were mats in the corner and the front wall was totally comprised of mirrors. There would be no hiding from myself. At all.

The first thing we did was sit in a circle and introduce ourselves. At this point, some of my anxiety began to ease. I heard stories from women like me – professional, divorced, seeking confidence, nervous about being here – and I realized in that moment that I was about to begin a sacred journey. Yes, sacred. As the instructor gave more information about the class and our curriculum over the next eight weeks, I knew that I was in the right place at the right time.

Pole dancing forced me to look at myself, at my WHOLE self. I learned to appreciate my body. I learned to not be ashamed of what God created. I learned that my body was capable of doing more physically than I ever imagined. I am 150 pounds – yes I shared that – and had to lift and swing and hold my body up. Talk about weight training!! There were days when the instructor would turn down the lights and we were told to just look at ourselves. To see who we really are and notice the beauty. I got to know this group of women who were so empowering and supportive. We created a safe place to share our deepest fears, concerns and hopes. It was amazing to see how each week, we got a little closer, grew more confident and literally shed clothing. We began as fully covered women hiding ourselves and ended as confident women who realized that one could not pole dance in sweats. Let’s just say it’s an occupational hazard and one needs to be able to have skin to pole contact in order to stay up. 🙂

The end of the course culminated in individual performances that we shared with the group. We had learned a routine but we got to choose our costumes and music and yes, even a name. I never thought I would be able to dance by myself in front of a group but I did it! I felt so empowered! The community was so supportive and I can honestly say that it was an experience I will never forget.

One day in particular stands out to me. I was at the studio working on some techniques before class and an instructor came to me and said, “You’re thinking too much. I can tell that you know the move, but you get to point of letting go and you over-think it. Just let go and trust yourself.” This advice was so powerful and I realized that pole dancing was a form of therapy for me. I rediscovered my soul through the power of the pole.

This experience was about so much more than the act of dancing. It was about learning to love my WHOLE self and learning to let go. It began a process of healing that I so desperately needed.

This might not be the thing for you. I am so thankful for this experience. My prayer is that you take a chance and do something that could transform you like never before. My prayer is that you find motivation somewhere that pushes you to embrace your whole self. My prayer is that you realize that you were made by God and that God said “It is good.”

Love,

Me

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My 2013 Journey: Motivation, Wisdom and Faith

I’ve been thinking and praying about the direction of Embracing My Shadow for 2013. There are so many things and experiences that I want to share but I also want to make sure that what I’m doing makes sense. Blame my “Type A” personality, but I felt like I needed to order my site a little bit more so that there was a flow that made sense…well, at least made sense to me.

In 2013, I am going to post three times a week. I’ve decided to do the traditional Monday-Wednesday-Friday format but each day will have a particular theme/angle that addresses how I seek healing and continued growth in my journey with depression, anxiety and other things that threaten to overtake me.

  • Motivation Mondays – I’ll be exploring those things, people, places, moments, etc… that have motivated me and reminded me of my worth and the importance of loving myself. I start this Monday with a post I’ve been dying to write about my experience with pole dancing that was arguably one of the BEST EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE.
  • Wisdom Wednesdays – Wisdom is often synonymous with knowledge. I’ll be sharing words and stories of wisdom from people who have inspired me. I’ll also be sharing more facts and other information that will continue to address the stigma of mental illness and hopefully help people tear down the walls of shame that surround them.
  • Faith Fridays – I am a theologian at my core, one who seeks to make meaning of all things in my life through my faith perspective and am particularly observant of God’s presence in my life. I am also one who seeks truth, meaning and love in various religions and traditions. Faith has been particularly important to me on this journey and I hope to share some ways of thinking and being that could help you as well.

I am also looking forward to my first book blogging project. For Lent this year (the church season that Christians observe which calls us to repent and journey inward to reflect) I will be using a devotional written by the Rev. Dr. Monica A. Coleman entitled Not Alone: Reflections on Faith and Depression.

I am inviting my readers to consider sharing their stories, especially those readers who are of African descent. I wish to continue to bust stigmas about mental illness, particularly within the Black community. I will be posting stories from men and women who are on the journey of accepting all of who they are.

I admit that this is more for me, the writer, than for you the reader. I’m sure that most of you don’t care how I organize the blog, but this makes sense to me. So there you have it!

This blog will always be about my struggle with depression and anxiety and my journey of accepting my WHOLE self. It is my continued prayer that I can also inspire you to do the same. We must love ourselves and embrace ALL of who we are. I truly believe that only by doing this can we be in authentic and healthy relationships with others and experience abundant life. Thank you for sharing this journey with me…

Love,

Me

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My Beloved (albeit Broken) Community…

I’ve mentioned in a Music Mondays post that I am unapologetically Christian. Writing this truth again makes me pause. It’s not because I am ashamed of MY beliefs or have a need to downplay my faith. I am a theologically trained, bonafide church nerd who works as a chaplain and lives out my faith daily though my vocation and my relationships. I have gone to church my whole life. I love the church so much that I answered God’s call to ministry in the church.

Personally, I have struggled with doubt and the meaning of life and the nature of suffering. I seek God daily and ask for guidance to make decisions that are not selfish in nature but follow God’s will for my life. I fall short, am a good Lutheran (simultaneously saint and sinner), am honest, and live a life that reflects my understanding that the main point of this Christian life is to LOVE – love God, love self, love others. My faith informs how I view justice, equality and the dignity of all persons, regardless of gender, race, religion, sexuality or any other designation that is used to divide rather than unite people. So you see, it’s not that I am unable to articulate my belief. What makes me pause in my proclamation that I am unapologetically Christian is the fact that my religion, the one that I hold so near and dear to my heart, has a bad reputation. I told my readers that I would revisit the issue of faith and religion at a later date and today, I was inspired to do so….

I follow the lovely @addyeB on Twitter and am an avid fan of her blog Butterfly Confessions. She is one of the first women of color that I came across who blogs about her mental health journey AND is a person of faith. Today, she responded to a tweet by @writingjoy, a writer whose blog is entitled Joy in this Journey. (On a totally separate note, Twitter is an AMAZING community that has allowed me to network and given me so much support, encouragement and direction. Seriously love it.) Since I value @addyB’s opinion, I checked out @writingjoy’s blog. I loved what I read, but more importantly, I came across her posts about Finding Church and read each one in the series. What I found broke my heart…

The post that @addyB responded to is entitled We’ve Forgotten What Church Really Is. The writer chronicles her journey with looking for a new church. Her series gives background information on how she started this journey, but this post in particular struck a chord with me because I struggle with this reality all the time – what does it mean to BE the church? Much like the writer, I realize that we have come a long way from what I believe Christ wanted this community of faith to be. We fall short of being the beloved community that we are called to be and actually do harm to people. For this and for all the sins that have been committed by Christian folk, I apologize.

For the judgement, for the elitism, for the intolerance, for the “holier than thou” attitude, for the misuse of the biblical texts, for the perception that one has to have it all together in order to belong, for the way that we ignore our neighbors in need, for our love of ritual and tradition over community and meeting actual needs, for our need to be in power over instead of being in relationship with, for our tendency to speak and not listen, for our arrogance, for the abuse, for our silence about the things that matter, for the misuse of money, for the lies and promises of prosperity, for the leaders who misrepresent the faith, for all of those things, sayings, people and practices that hurt the soul of a person, I am so very sorry…

You might be wondering why I still consider myself Christian, or better yet, why I am still connected to the church. The first answer is that I am a Christian mainly because of the thought of God choosing to become human and be in relationship with me blows my mind. This thing we call the Incarnation, God becoming human in the form of Jesus, is where my faith begins. For many Christians, the crucifixion is the starting point. For me, it’s all about the incarnation. And here’s the thing, there are some days I wonder if any of it’s true. But I have moved beyond trying to understand that which I may never understand and focus on the meaning. What it comes down to is love. It’s all about the love that is expressed by forging relationships with humanity and teaching a different way to be in these relationships. My second answer is pretty simple – I am still connected to the church because I believe that it has the capacity to be the single greatest proponent of love, authenticity and community and I will not see it overrun or misrepresented. I believe that the best way I can see the beloved community come to pass is to be in the community.

This may seem very simplistic, and I am sure that I could write more about what I believe and why I believe it. I also don’t want to downplay the harm that’s been done to so many, the hurt that you may have experienced or do experience by the church. All I can say to this is that we are broken, sinful people. As much as I’d like to believe that church folks are the most forgiving, loving and honest people, the opposite tends to be true…

I just want to let anyone know who has been hurt, cast aside or disenfranchised by the church that we need you. We need the whole body and me and my colleagues who are like me and who serve as pastors so desperately want a new reality for our church. It’s lonely out here when you think like I think and believe like I believe.

I thank God for my church House of the Rock. I thank God for prophetic leaders like Nadia Bolz Weber, Andrena Ingram and Marlon Hall. I thank God for communities like The Simple Way, the Eat Gallery, Grace Lutheran Church and Awaken Detroit. I thank God for the band Starboarders and others who use their gifts to bring about positive change in the world and show an alternative way to believe and live the Christian story.

I was baptized as a baby. In the church. I was confirmed as a teenager. In the church. I was nurtured and allowed to lead as a young adult. In the church. I was encouraged as a woman in ministry. In the church. I was married. In the church.

I went through my divorce and the church loved me.

I battle depression and the church surrounds me.

I think differently and the church accepts me.

This has been my experience and this is why I continue to stay in my beloved albeit broken community.

My prayer is that you are able to find a community that loves you.

My prayer is that we can be the community that loves you.

My prayer is that we can be gracious towards one another, know that we are not perfect and recognize that things won’t change if we don’t take the steps to change them.

Love,

Me

 

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Music Mondays: I Didn’t Know My Own Strength by Whitney Houston

Whitney-Houston-I-Didnt-Know-My-O-503938Have you ever experienced a moment when you realize that you are so much stronger than you ever thought you could be? It’s not just enough for others to tell you that you are strong. Something has to happen to make you believe it. I’m finding that the past couple of years have placed me face-to-face with the reality that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be….

This is my first Christmas post divorce. My ex-husband and I separated on August 19, 2011. Our divorce was finalized on July 12, 2012. I’ve written about how my separation was one of many things that led to my most recent depressive episode, but I haven’t really written about how it affected my identity and my perception of myself. Making the decision to get a divorce was the hardest decision of my life. I felt like a failure. I was embarrassed. I felt like I didn’t have what it took to be a wife. I felt like a disappointment to my family and friends, especially to those who stood and witnessed my wedding.

I Didn’t Know My Own Strength performed by Whitney Houston has been such an inspiration for me. The words, written by Diane Warren, speak to the strength that exist within and comes to the surface in times of suffering.

Lost touch with my soul
I had nowhere to turn, I had nowhere to go
Lost sight of my dream
Thought it would be the end of me

I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled, but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour, my faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

I always wanted to be one of those women who wasn’t defined by a relationship or lack thereof. I always wanted to be a woman who bounced back from hardships with incredible grace. I wanted my identity to be steeped in something much greater than my current circumstance. As hard as it’s been, my divorce has taught me that I am this type of woman. Most of all, it taught me that I didn’t know my own strength…

My prayer is that you are able to believe that you have incredible strength within.

Love,

Me

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A message from my Daddy…

On November 29, 2012 I published a blog post entitled “The Skin I’m In“. I couldn’t imagine the conversation it sparked and the positive feedback that it generated. The most significant thing that happened was that I received a message from my daddy that brought me to tears. You see, we have a very interesting history, one that I will share at another time. Since embarking on this journey of embracing my depression and coming clean with my family, my daddy and I have gotten much closer. We had very different upbringings and he has lived a very hard life. I continue to be in awe of him and his many accomplishments, not even realizing that we had some things in common. I asked if I could share his message with you and he agreed. I am so thankful that my post opened another pathway of communication and understanding between me and my daddy.

My dearest daughter,
I don’t know if I ever told you, but if I did not, I’m telling you now. As a 10 year old kid growing up in Harlem, I was often called little WHITE boy. Even now I am often referred to as WHITE man. However I understood at an early age that people who called and call me names were those who either were intimidated, jealous or unsure of themselves because I spoke better and I was more intelligent than they were. It all started in Harlem because I used to spend time in Queens where I actually spent nights in a house. So you see my darling daughter we have more in common than you might know. I am just happy that I understood this early in life. I am now happy that you have figured it out and that you are happy with the skin that you’re in. Just for the record, I’ve always teased you because I was able to identify. If you want me to stop, forget about it. 🙂

Love,
DaddyDaddy and Roze

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Music Mondays: Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp

I am unapologetically Christian. Even as I type this truth, I cringe because I know the perceived implications that may be assigned to this statement. I should follow up and say, that I’m not your average Christian. (To get a sampling of my particular bent of Christianity, visit my congregation’s website – House of the Rock). I practice this religion because of one simple thing – the notion of God becoming human and walking among us literally overwhelms me. And I mean this in a good way. Everything else that is associated with modern day Christianity, I could take or leave. I’ll write more about that in another post…

What I love most about this song is that it speaks about relationality and being present, which for me, is a central tenet of Christianity. I read that the artist Marvin Sapp wrote this song as a tribute after the death of his father. The song is very repetitive but I think that it’s divinely inspired. Hearing the words over and over again reminds me of the importance of those who have supported, loved, nurtured and challenged me throughout my experience with depression. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would not be here today without my community of friends and family.

My favorite part of the song is when he sings,

Never could have made it without you
I would have lost my mind a long time ago, if it had not been for you.
I am stronger
I am wiser
Now I am better
So much better
I made it thru my storm and my test because you were there to carry me thru my mess

I could say more about the theological implications of this song but I’m going to leave my comments at this – I never would have made it to where I am today without someone helping me.

I pray that you have someone or many ones who do this for you. Give them a chance. They may surprise you and literally save your life…

Love,

Me

Click here to see the video for Never Would Have Made It.